Queer Musings of a Christian
Blessing of the Exile: A Queer Gift to the Church
 Reading the reflections of John Fortunato as a man in the late seventies and early eighties being a Christian and discovering he was gay has kept my mind running and thoughts churning. So much has changed and yet so much is the same. In his book, “Embracing the Exile” I’ve been amazed at his perspective in finding the blessing in the life God has given us. As a people, Christian gays, are often a people without a spiritual home. Until the church catches up with the moving of the Spirit, LGBT Christians will continue to find themselves in place of spiritual exile. As the current Christian church as a whole continues to disown their LGBT brothers and sisters in Christ, what blessing does Christ have for his queer sheep?
As I look through the stories of scripture, I find so many examples of people finding the most adventurous times with God in places of exile. It is when we are on our own, that our relationship becomes exercised and God shows his/her playful and challenging sides to us. It requires us to step into a holy naked honesty with the Divine. When I look at the life of the shepherd David, during his time in exile, his prayers show such a raw and brutal combat with God. His cries for justice, calls for retribution, prayers for protection, none of these come about in a time of tranquility and security. It was in his exile where he wrestled most intimately with God.
As I sat and listening this last weekend at GCN’s Northwest Gathering, to deeply personal encounters with God and the intense struggle to honor Him with the life they’ve been given, I was reminded of the painful blessing that exile can be for the LGBT Christian. There are no pat answers that will satisfy. There is a lonely, often isolated, striving to hear the voice of God through the many voices of those who are quick to offer opinion without the discomfort of entering their story.
I think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. Today we honor her faith, but I wonder if she lived long enough to stop hearing the whispers of her religious community about her slutty teenage years and her Bastard Son. We may never have the understanding or respect of the larger church community as a whole, but how can we learn to trust the heart of God for us and learn to follow the Spirit as she leads us into truth?
As an LGBT Christian in the church, you have a unique blessing to offer your faith community, whether they recognize it or not. My husband and I have been continually surprised by the way many individuals feel an immediate sense of safety to share what they have been through, or the ways in which they don’t fit. By being honest in our journey and being brave to own it for the world to see, it communicates to people that likely, their story will be respected as well, and their unique journey and striving with God will be validated. This is a beautiful gift to offer an often relational-honesty deprived church community.
Modeling integrated sexuality is another gift the LGBT Christian can offer for their brothers and sisters in Christ. One author described our culture as a whole, and I believe, the church as well, as despising sexuality and thus has become obsessed with it. The church addresses the topic of sexuality in general as one would address a dirty diaper, change it as quickly as possible and then cover it up. Christians often find the topic of homosexuality so challenging because they have never been taught how to engage the topic of sexuality in general. Broad platitudes of guilt and shame are given about sexuality from the pulpit and then all that toxic mental waste is supposed to melt away into pure, enlightened, sexual rendezvous post nuptials.
 Sexuality is far more complicated and intimate, a unique stitching in our soul. When I recognize my sexuality as gift and honor it as such, I give opportunity for other Christians to recognize their sexuality as a gift from God. It is in this sense of beauty and awe of this blessing that God has given that we journey with God to steward this intimate part of ourselves; to live a life of integrity and love. As an LGBT Christian who has been given the gift of your unique sexuality, you allow others in your church community the space to explore the depths and beauty of their inter-working sexuality and spirituality.
Moses was passing as an Egyptian. He lived the life as the dominant culture of the land, but he knew, deep in his heart that he wasn’t an Egyptian, he was a Jew. While enjoying the privileges of his place in Egyptian society, he saw ‘his people’ suffering and being abused at the hands of the very community he was a part of. This made Moses upset but he was unwilling to give up his place in the dominant culture, that would just be too much. “During his visit, he saw an Egyptian beating one of his fellow Hebrews. After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand.” (Exodus 2) This was when Moses was out’ed. When he was calling on two Hebrews to stop fighting and respect each other, they called him out, essentially saying who are you to tell us anything when you aren’t even being honest yourself. At this point Moses knew that the contempt the Egyptians had for the Jews would be even greater against him, when the word got back to Pharaoh about where his loyalties lie. So he ran.
 While the content may be different, the dynamics of this story resonate with so many of the LGBT stories I’ve heard, as well as themes in my own life. Most all of us are raised by heterosexual parents, part of a “straights only” church, in a very straight world. We may know we are different growing up, but it is often only as adults that we realize what that difference will mean for our lives. Some people are outed and then helped out of the church. Some sit silently in the pew hoping to hell they will become straight just through osmosis of this painfully straight environment. One more week passes where you make up another story of why that girl or boy was just not the right one for you. Because we don’t know what to do… we run; either from ourselves, or from those who might figure us out; usually both.
But as in the story of Moses, the real adventure begins in his exile. He has been exposed and honesty is now his only option. And this is where God calls him into role as the liberator of ‘his people’. Many LGBT Christians look back at all the mistakes they’ve made as they’ve struggled to makes sense of who they are. The lies they’ve told, the people they’ve hurt, the sexuality they’ve squandered.
I think Moses’ thoughts as he stood over the body of the Egyptian he’d killed, would echo those of many an ‘outed’ LGBT individual who recognize that now, the place they’ve once called home, may soon be calling for their blood.
You may need time to heal from religious abuse, and space from people who are quick to judge, but the beautiful thing is that God is not only in the church, she is also in your exile. It is often in the leaving of what we know that God steps into show us what more there is in store for us. Just as leaving the warmth of the sun is necessary for the experiencing of the stars. I know that for myself, I am able to engage the church and beliefs of my upbringing in a much more healthy way after experiencing a God who was bigger than a denomination, who was not confined by “fundamental beliefs”. God would show himself to any individual looking for His face. Her character would become evident in those who valued the things that God did.
As Moses followed where God led, in honesty and commitment, he was given the courage to stand against injustice as well as lead those who in his own community had called him out for his lack of integrity. He imperfectly strived to lead his brothers and sisters towards liberation. As we struggle our way through, to live authentically and with integrity, we offer by our presence, both to the gay community as well as to the church community, a challenge to strive for congruency in the complexity of our sexuality and our spirituality. Not to run and hide, but to stand firm in our identity as children of God, made unique in our capacities for intimacy.
 “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” (Romans 12). Through your honest striving with God to live out your unique life with an integrated unique sexuality, you have an important place at the table of God, in the life of his church. God is excited for the continued adventure you have with him, especially in this exile. As followers of Jesus, he calls me and he calls you to be his bride; to commit to a lifetime of adventure, for better or worse, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, til death and beyond. |
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